haii2u | Recent Entries

Digital art has been so DIFFICULT for me lately. That isn't to say I'm pumping out traditional artwork, but it's so much easier for me to draw in my sketchbook than it is use my tablet. And I've been wondering if it has to do with my tablet itself? For the past decade I've been using a Wacom Intuos, which doesn't have a screen, so I have to look at my monitor to see what I'm doing. What I don't understand though is that it hasn't been a problem until recently, so what changed??

Okay, so just get a tablet with a screen, EZ fix right? WRONG. Well, okay, not really, but I wonder if it's part of a bigger problem I've been facing: the fact I don't draw as much as I used to, period. Could it be a symptom of getting older? Lazier? I don't know... it very well could be the pervasive sense of ennui that infects my life!!

What's the difference between the feeling of art block and how I feel normally? It's like relapsing—can you relapse even when you never tried stopping in the first place? Or something like that. It's such bullshit that feelings like anger and sadness feel like somebody reaching into your skull via ear canal and pushing your eyeballs out of their sockets while anything positive feels like having a feather tickle you through 20 layers of blankets.

But okay I'm getting my haircut this week (god willing) so maybe this will change things. Should I get the ends bleached? I know I want it thinned out & layered at the very least. Decisions decisions...

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: King Crimson - Starless

Recently I've been logging all of my thoughts in an actual, physical journal since it's a lot more friendly towards my short-form, disconnected thoughts. To catch you up to speed though, here's a bullet-point list of what I've been up to (taken from things that I've written in my IRL journal):

Watched Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. It was fine, but I don't know why I keep watching silent films! They're always a slog to me. I swear I'm not a Tiktok iPad baby, and I really do appreciate their innovation and their place in film history, but I just don't really find them entertaining.
Then I watched Faust (1927). See above.
Played in a new D&D book campaign called Waterdeep, it's fun.
Started watching The Soprano's finally. I took a break in the middle of season 4, and I should really get back to watching it.
I've recently been using WinAmp to listen to music since Spotify doesn't have certain artists I like. Here's my awesome skin:

I've also had some really weird dreams, but that isn't new. I think the longest posts you'll get from here on out are going to be dream related.
Here's one that I had on the 5th, written exactly as it is in my journal:

I'm watching a game trailer that's just a 3D cube and a monotone ringing sound. It cuts to an interview with three men. It's normal at first. Man #2 attacks man #1, slits his throat and gurgles weirdly before carving into his own face. His torso opens up as if he'd been cut from neck to pelvis and his organs fall onto the floor neatly separated. Man #3 silently stares at the camera and walks towards it. Everything goes black.

I hear a deep voice say "[My last name] is in the theater with two other people." I wake with a start. I'm in a small dark theater watching a movie. There are two other people there, then four, then six. They talk to each other loudly. I can barely pay attention to the movie. It involves a girl investigating a cult. Randomly, characters' torsos will open and their guts will fall out like in the game trailer. None of them react. A man sits next to me and asks, "Did you sleep good?" His pupils are strangely shaped, rectangular.

I leave the theater and visit a doctor. She asks if I've been hurting myself. She looks very scared when I tell her I've been at the theater. She tells me, "Run home, don't talk to the police, don't accept food from anybody. If you're not gone by the time I'm done talking, people will die." I run out of there. The people from the theater along with the protagonist from the movie are in the waiting room and chase after me.

I'm running down a dark city street barefoot at 2:30 AM. When I eventually slow down, the people after me don't notice and run past, going after the protagonist. As we keep running, our torsos open and our guts spell out. It's completely painless.

Who knows what it could mean, if anything at all.

Current Mood: curious
Current Music: King Gizzard - Crumbling Castle

I used to have this dream every now and then of a website full of games. It was a very simply coded, early internet type of site. I don't remember any of the games (I don't think I ever played them), but the most interesting part of the site to me was the diary entries that were linked on the home page.

Through the virtual diary it's revealed that the site was made by an old man. He describes himself as very lonely and you can infer that this site is the only connection he had to the rest of the world. A lot of the entries are mundane and a little melancholic, just detailing things he'd do in his day to day life, how he's feeling, etc. In the final few entries, he offhand mentions his declining health, though nothing particularly serious. Then the entries just abruptly end, and I notice that the last one was posted a few years ago. I always wake up feeling really sad after that.

It's been a long while since I've last had that dream, and overall I think I've only had it a handful of times. Recently something triggered me into remembering it again, so I figured I'd write it down here for posterity. I wonder what it meant, if anything at all. That's the mystery of dreams I suppose.

Anyways, happy 2026. I'm still trying to get used to writing 26 instead of 25, which I know isn't a particularly unheard of problem. One problem I hope to rid myself of this year is not knowing how to properly end off journal entries so that I don't go months without posting like last year. But we will see how that goes...

Current Mood: dreaming
Current Music: Free As A Bird - The Beatles

Shock sites have always been a weird little side interest of mine. There's just something morbidly fascinating about that era of the internet where really anything went. It wasn't out of the ordinary to click on a link and get the shit scared out of you by a Jeff the killer screamer which then instilled a deep sense of anxiety in you that still persists decades later (not speaking from experience or anything).

I've written about the significance of Blowfly Girl's story to me and this, I suppose, is an extension of that. On my art website (RIP, my password won't work and support won't e-mail me back) I wrote that I chose the username HAii2U (a reference to the site Hai2u) because "I like the juxtaposition of [...] femininity and unpleasant subjects", which is a fine enough explanation, but I feel like the real reason is a lot less interesting or artsy.

The image on the Hai2u site is gross. The film it's from and the man who made it are grosser, obviously I in no way support it, him, or the porn industry. There is very little artistic merit that can be squeezed from an ancient website hosting a jpg of a woman vomiting while performing oral sex. But does there have to be any at all? I assume the original purpose was to shock and disgust and it did that just fine.

I kind of apply that same concept to my own art: it's straightforward, no careful deep planning involved. It just is because I wanted it to be. My actual thought process behind picking HAii2U because I thought the image was gross and I like how the name itself sounds. And the specific capitalization is because it used to be HAII2U but someone on Reddit mistook it for a reference to Judgement from JJBA.

That being said I don't consider my work to be shallow or devoid of meaning altogether. That's why I enjoy sharing my work with others, because I like when people make their own connections. Nothing exists in a bubble, and while the author may have intended for the curtains to just be blue that doesn't mean there aren't subconscious biases that led her to pick blue in the first place.

There is a meaning to my art. Sometimes I haven't figure it out yet.

This entry took me weeks to write. Mostly because it's really difficult for me to put my thoughts into writing in a way that's both cohesive and also interesting to read. And also I'm just a lazy POS.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Korn - Liar

And no it's not "First Expired, First Out" even if that's what Google tells you.

Fefo is the name of my little bunny sona and also my nickname. Back in February of last year I set my name to "Fefo" in a friend's server because of this Urban Dictionary entry:

I thought it sounded silly but it ended up sticking! I am a "wierd thingy" after all. It's more fun & quicker to say than my actual name so sometimes I refer to myself as "Fefo" in third person... maybe I'm growing senile in my old age.

But it wasn't until December 2024 when my dear friend gave me the idea to name my sona Fefo... up until then I called her "Bunnylexis". Which was such a genius idea I'm shocked I didn't think of it earlier.

So that answers the question (that nobody asked) of Who is Fefo. But WHAT exactly is she??

Please consult the image below:

As you can see, all Fefos have at least one of two things:

Bunny-like ears
Ponytail

"My sister has a ponytail, is my sister Fefo?" "Is a Border Leicester considered Fefo?"
No to both - in fact, British mathmatician I. J. Good presented an argument against this line of thinking back in 1960, which goes as follows:

suppose that there are N objects that might be seen at any moment, of which r are Fefos and b are bunny-eared or ponytailed, and that the N objects each have probability

of being seen. Let Hi be the hypothesis that there are i non-bunny-eared or non-ponytailed Fefos, and suppose that the hypotheses H₁, H₂ , . . . , Hr are initially equiprobable. Then, if we happen to see a bunny-eared or ponytailed Fefo, the Bayes factor in favour of H₀ is

What does that all mean? I don't know! I stole it from Wikipedia.

But to actually answer those questions, well... the answer is still no! Fefo can never be another person except for herself, and unless she's drawn as a Border Leicester, then she's not one of those either.

Maybe it's easier to say all Fefos (unless referring to me) are 2D?

... Wait ...

God. Damn it.

Current Mood: silly

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August 2026

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