Drawing the Self
Jun. 9th, 2024 02:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
haii2uFor a long time I couldn't bear to draw myself as anything other than a plain human. The closest I ever got to that before getting to where I am now was my "first" (not really, I had some before but she was the first one I used a lot) fursona, Ceeby. And even that had very little semblance to me irl other than the clothes I wore.
(Her name was an allusion to my Twitter handle at the time: CutieBotfly = CB = Ceeby, pronounced SEEbee)
So what was my problem? Well... that period of my life was VERY rough, I was going through a lot mentally and it heavily warped my way of thinking. I didn't want to draw the person I perceived myself as. This was when I got into dark/gross subjects like Blowfly Girl and threw myself headfirst into a lot of very unhealthy relationships.
This quote (my favorite) from Blowfly Girl sums up how I felt at that time very poignantly:
I was there! At the very bottom of this dark pit, and I was nothing but filth in the vague shape of a woman. So why would I be allowed to depict myself as something cute? I didn't feel cute. I felt disgusting, like an old towel in a bathroom for anyone to use. Does that make sense?
Around the time I still used Ceeby, I also created Sui, a little magical seal plushie who could transform into a human girl. She was very cute, nice, and everybody liked her. I commissioned a lot of art of her interacting with my favorite characters... lol. But she was kinda my positive outlet at the time. With her I felt safe expressing a more "innocent" side of myself without feeling too vulnerable or like I was lying to anybody.
And then...
Well I don't know what happened. I really don't, sorry! I never went to therapy. I just kinda thugged that shit out and got better(?). It might've been when I started going to college - like, I was so focused on something else, something that I felt would improve or at least progress my life in a positive way, that my brain pushed all those previous negative feelings away. That's when I started drawing myself as a little bunny. And she's quite literally me 1:1, other than the whole species thing.
I think it's also because I got out of those bad relationships and became friends with a group of really nice people, and in doing that I also finally had a solid idea of who I was which wasn't influenced by fake traits projected onto me.
Oh my god. I think I might have BPD. Okay. Well. Maybe I should look into getting a psychiatrist.
(Her name was an allusion to my Twitter handle at the time: CutieBotfly = CB = Ceeby, pronounced SEEbee)
So what was my problem? Well... that period of my life was VERY rough, I was going through a lot mentally and it heavily warped my way of thinking. I didn't want to draw the person I perceived myself as. This was when I got into dark/gross subjects like Blowfly Girl and threw myself headfirst into a lot of very unhealthy relationships.
This quote (my favorite) from Blowfly Girl sums up how I felt at that time very poignantly:
At the bottom, I am nothing, I have nothing,
and filth and waste and decay become all I deserve and all I am.
and filth and waste and decay become all I deserve and all I am.
I was there! At the very bottom of this dark pit, and I was nothing but filth in the vague shape of a woman. So why would I be allowed to depict myself as something cute? I didn't feel cute. I felt disgusting, like an old towel in a bathroom for anyone to use. Does that make sense?
Around the time I still used Ceeby, I also created Sui, a little magical seal plushie who could transform into a human girl. She was very cute, nice, and everybody liked her. I commissioned a lot of art of her interacting with my favorite characters... lol. But she was kinda my positive outlet at the time. With her I felt safe expressing a more "innocent" side of myself without feeling too vulnerable or like I was lying to anybody.
And then...
Well I don't know what happened. I really don't, sorry! I never went to therapy. I just kinda thugged that shit out and got better(?). It might've been when I started going to college - like, I was so focused on something else, something that I felt would improve or at least progress my life in a positive way, that my brain pushed all those previous negative feelings away. That's when I started drawing myself as a little bunny. And she's quite literally me 1:1, other than the whole species thing.
I think it's also because I got out of those bad relationships and became friends with a group of really nice people, and in doing that I also finally had a solid idea of who I was which wasn't influenced by fake traits projected onto me.
Oh my god. I think I might have BPD. Okay. Well. Maybe I should look into getting a psychiatrist.
